Indecent Exposure

NOTE: This was for The Advocate's SPOOF Edition...

We’ve all seen it; skirts barely able to cover your derriere and tops that hardly hide your bosom. Fashion no longer has reason to exist because mere scraps of clothe used to cover the most private of areas cannot be considered clothing in any universe. The need for such nicknames as whale-tails and muffin-tops are a sure sign of how polluted our brains have become due to the necessity of having to name such occurrences.

Men sporting v-necks are showing off their chest hair, or lack-of. Their pants are practically on the ground highlighting whether each man prefers boxers or briefs, maybe as a sort of personality profile on what they particularly like. Some even dare to sport penny loafers with bundled up skinny jeans which highlight their bony ankles and calves.

Indecent exposure is a daily occurrence and can be seen on every corner of this campus, which is why we are in dire need of a dress-code.

Imagine how glorious it would be if we never had to worry about seeing these detestable sights. With the way things currently are, one can barely walk out their front door without witnessing immodesty. However, if there was a dress-code enforced by the Public Safety officers, professors and the like, everything would be fixed. Our eyes would once again be untainted.

I propose a few suggestions. From Nov. 1 through April 1, all students and faculty would be required to wear loosely fitted turtlenecks and wide-legged pants that go up past your bellybutton. Close-toed shoes (preferably black or brown with slip-grip) with a heel not exceeding one inch and knee-length socks would also be required to ensure complete coverage.

Makeup is a matter that needs no discussion. It shouldn’t even exist. Everyone should be seen as who they really are without bells or whistles. This will promote confidence in young women which will be seen on grade reports and first dates.

Things such as makeup give women an excuse to hide behind a mask, which in turn makes them vainer and more self-conscious at the very same time. Makeup requires women to check their grease levels much too frequently in little handheld mirrors. Makeup also enables men to be even shallower than they already are and base opinions of women on only face value. Plain Jane should be the name of the game.

Hair should also be changed for the better. No strands should be untidy, no pieces blowing in the breeze as if you are modeling for Tresemme.

The closer we look like each other the easier and more manageable life will become. Many think this would stifle individuality, but on the contrary; it would highlight each other’s differences because our true selves would not be hidden underneath distracting makeup and fashion. Cover yourselves from top to bottom with a cascade of confidence by not adhering to foul fashion!

Published April 14, 2011 in MSUM's campus newspaper, The Advocate - Spoof Edition.